Sometimes I can’t help but stare out the window as it rains. There is such a beauty to the simplest things, as we contemplate our own existence. Yet, all I can feel is but a sadness that has never truly found its place within my heart. Somewhere there is a darkness that grows within the heart thanks to simple actions that should hold no meaning. It is never set in stone, but we cannot help ourselves but add it with every action that we feel that should have been taken. Blaming fate and our own desperation for the loneliness that comes to haunt us. No choice but to stare outside the window while questioning what exactly we are doing to ourselves. Are we but fools that cannot do something else?
I wonder why I am even doing such a simple task. There is no real point for me to feel this depressed. Sometimes you just cannot help yourself, but wonder what exactly you are doing with your life. There is a beauty to everything, but there are just those moments that you are captivated by the wrong delusions. If only she did not have to leave that thought within my head. What was all that time worth for if I was just going to be left behind, as if nothing ever happened? I have made my mistakes in the past, but even such a selfish act should not be punished so harshly. Maybe I am wrong and it is exactly what I deserve. Perhaps this is where I always was meant to be, but at the price of leaving that past me behind. I can only move forward, but I feel as if ghosts keep trying to pull me back.
When I try to sleep, all I can do is but remember her face. Those beautiful lips as they smile upon me with such glee. My hand still remembers that sensation of rubbing down her cheeks, as I wipe away her tears. The impact of simple punches or slaps in frustration only for me to try and embrace her. Her arms wrapping themselves around me only to pierce my heart like a sharp needle. Shouts of anger echoing in my ears, as if our last fight has just happened the other day. Even after all this time, I can still feel these sensations slowly driving me mad.
How long has it been, my dear? Time has seemed to go by so fast ever since the last time that I have seen your face. It almost feels like a distant dream, as I sit here in the corner of a room you’ve never seen. A new place that you may never visit, or I may never hold you. Those places have been left behind, only to be forgotten or shattered as part of memories long lost. Even if I tried to act as if I knew every aspect of the room we shared, all I can remember is you. My heart made me focus solely on the beauty that stood before me, but was also the downfall of why I have lost sight of it all. Every drop of rain I see, the more I feel as if I am forgetting something.
Dear, I have broken your heart more often than I ever intended. I know that to you I must be a terrible person in this world, as I left a shattered emotion behind, but I do plea with you. The more I try to remember the good times, every smile that you shared, I cannot help but be reminded of every tear and rage filled moment. They haunt me, as I fear that I would only repeat my mistakes. Would you hate me if I fell in love again? Is there any possibility you would tell me it is alright if after all this time I come to realize there is more to this world. As the clouds part and push the rain away, will you be able to allow me to move forward. May I remember those smiles and not the girl I left behind in the rain?
I know you are happy with someone else. Without choice, I have come to accept that fact. We were never meant to happen, but even I cannot feel a slight ache in my heart, as I sit here all alone at night. There is nothing more in this world then the wanting to be loved, but I know that such a thing is never one-sided. My heart does not have the pull to truly let someone in while I keep my eyes out for any hope that I could potentially hold. All I can do is keep wondering what could’ve been, as the distance keeps growing further apart. I am but a man on a bridge, forced to keep moving forward with everything behind me collapsing. If I take but a short break I am sure to fall into the depths of my own despair, but I cannot give up the good fight I was meant to do. The bridge is yet to be built, as I am its builder. All I do will fall apart eventually, but I can only keep moving forward. Somewhere in time I have set a path for myself that may be rocky and dangerous, but with every decision I feel as if straying from it would be a disservice to the rubble below me.
May I ask this selfish question? Am I allowed to once again be my own person by taking this opportunity and throw it out there? Will I be branded a monster for such a selfish act that has been hanging above my head all this time? Will I be cursed or branded for stating the obvious even if it seems so strange to me? Must I pay a price for this to be allowed, or am I forever branded by my own misdoing? Will you hate me even more if I ask this? Can I potentially wonder about the consequences of this very question among all these others that truly echoes throughout my heart? Whatever I do, I may never know the answer to it, but I cannot help but ask it every time I see the sun.
Is it okay if I fall in love again?