Oh great, I somehow could not keep an unspoken promise. She asked me to be there, but somehow I managed to get roped in something that did not offer me any way to escape. Work has kept me so busy that all I knew was that time flew by. Had to spend the night in the office with no trains leading back home for that day. In my mind, I felt so terrible for not being able to appear tonight at that spot. Is it how destiny always works that as soon as you really want something to happen, all of a sudden you are just unable to do exactly that? It always seemed odd to me that any plans I made would end up causing the most distress, especially if I was hoping for some time to just relax.
I am here now, but she is nowhere to be found. Maybe she decided not to appear, as I was nowhere to be found the day before. Reality would just make it seem like a coincidence given the fact that I never truly promised her that I would in fact appear and it isn’t like we have known each other for too long. We do not owe each other anything, so it was just a mishap that sadly came together the way it did. Jen probably just looked at the empty seat, smiled and sat here herself staring out at this view that stands before me. After a short while she realized I won’t be showing up and left home, as if nothing ever happened or changed. Yet realizing that she would most likely not care if I was here or not, made my heart ache a bit.
There is something strange about a feeling that maybe you are of importance to someone even if you technically have nothing to do with them. You are just two people living your separate lives and happened to cross paths. It could end up being a rather short meeting of two very distinct worlds that may clash or get along. Even if they do seem to connect, there is the inevitable acceptance that it will only last for a certain amount of time. At some point you will be forced to move along even if it starts hurting. Something that you tend to have to learn from your experiences, but sometimes those scars always seem to be the deepest. Wounds will hurt over time, but a small scar left behind in a frail heart will carry on for many years.
This moment right here makes me remember her the most. Imagine sitting down with the person you love and all you can see are her beautiful red lips, as they smile at you. Those brown eyes focused solely on you, almost making you feel like the world only has two inhabitants. As one focuses on those small characteristics, it is difficult not to want to grab and hold on to it. In your heart you know that nothing will last forever so you act as if these small moments may never end. That beating pulse will tell you that time is passing by, but when you put your hand on her cheek and she grabs it with a warm embrace. Her eyes slowly start looking down before they decide to rest in your own gaze. Moments later everything goes silent, as you go in for a beautiful kiss with the one you love. Such a fleeting moment that seems never-ending. That warm embrace will one day turn cold, but you will willfully ignore that very fact just to savor the moment.
No, no, I cannot let myself fall back into that place. Time and time again I find my own stubborn nature try to pull me into that dark place of blissful ignorance. Trying to make me act as if nothing ever changed and we may still have a chance. My thoughts are trying to encourage me to return to that person’s arms even though I had to lie to let go. I knew that with me she would not be happy, we have lost each other in every single negative thought. We were no longer working together as a team, but just pushing each other to the limits. There was nothing that hurt me more than to see her mad and angry. I wanted those sweet moments back in some form or another. At the moment these thoughts start running through my head, I do truly miss the optimism of Jen. Somehow she knew what to say just to make you forget the world, but she isn’t here. It is a rather lonely night.